Missing him
Most of you who read this blog know that our precious Logan went to be with Jesus nearly eight weeks ago. It seems almost impossible to believe that it has been that long. Perhaps the last eight weeks have flown by because it has been a very busy couple of months for us. They boys' birthday was on September 29. So, shortly after Logan's service, I threw myself into planning the best second birthday party for Griffin I could muster. We also took on the task of completing a couple of house projects that had been abandoned since Logan got sick. And while we were at it, we decided to plan a surprise baby shower for our dear friends the same weekend as Griff's party... the house was already going to be clean, why not? We had a wonderful time celebrating our friends and their baby boy on the way on Friday. Then Saturday (their birthday) we filled with a pancake breakfast, a visit to Logan's grave to leave some birthday balloons, our first trip to Chuck-E-Cheese for Griffin's favorite, pizza, and lots of fun games, and then we capped off the night celebrating Papa because it was his birthday too and sent some balloons up to Logan in heaven. It was a really difficult day - we missed our other birthday boy even more than usual - but we found comfort thinking about the heavenly birthday party he was having that put ours to shame, no doubt! Sunday was Griffin's party, and we worked hard to make it a fun day of celebration for him. We had balloons galore, a super fun bouncy house and even a surprise visit from a giant Elmo, thanks to Uncle B! Needless to say, we were all exhausted after a very full weekend.
I turned 30 the following Friday, October 5th, and was able to spend it with Jeff, my sisters, their husbands and some wonderful friends. It was a super fun night, and we made lots of memories! We celebrated another couple of precious friends at a wedding shower the following night, and the next two nights consisted of family pictures with each (Jeff's and my) side of the family. We really went overboard with the family pictures this year, but I know we will all be so glad we did. Now we will have quality pictures with grandparents, siblings and kiddos that we will treasure forever. We have been so blessed by the offers to do pictures of us and our family, we just couldn't pass them up! Then another wonderful friend gave us awesome tickets to see Les Miserables on opening night, so Jeff and I got an awesome mid-week date night. Then this past weekend, my parents kept Griffin so we could go to Dallas for the OU/Texas game. It was such a fun weekend, and while it was tough to leave our baby, we feel so very blessed we got to go.
Like I said, it's been a crazy full time for us. Most days it feels like it's not real, other days it feels all too real. That's why I think it has been so difficult to write any kind of post. I intended to write something the week he passed, and it was so busy and full of things to do that I barely got information about his service posted on Facebook. So many times since then, I have had thoughts or feelings that I planned to share, but for some reason, couldn't bring myself to write them down. For so long, I had fun things to do to get ready for the parties, pictures and trips, and now I don't. I know that many of the things I filled my days with were just that, me finding things to occupy myself. Seeking distractions and keeping busy has been my M.O. The last couple weeks, I've felt called to be more still, to stop filling every minute and seek the only One that can provide what I need. Tonight, Jeff and I finally sat down and read through all the wonderful notes written by those who attended Logan's service. While I had read a few at a time here and there over the last several weeks, it has felt too fresh and been too difficult for me to read through all of them until now. I can't say what was magical about today or tonight. As we were driving home from our niece's seventh birthday party, Jeff started tearing up, as we both often do at unexpected times, and we found ourselves both crying in the car about how much we missed our baby. Even now, as I type, it is so hard to say the words, "I miss him." That is what hurts so much. Everything we do, everywhere we go, every family event or car ride home, he is missing. A part of our family, a part of me is missing. And it hurts more than anything I have ever known. But, I feel like it might be time to start working a little harder on the healing process, so here we are. I know healing is probably still a long way off, but this blog served as such therapy for me during Logan's journey, I hope it might have the same effect now.
Thank you all for your relentless love and support. We have so many people still praying for comfort and peace for us, and for Griffin's complete and miraculous healing. You continue to sustain us and we feel so incredibly blessed by the body of Christ surrounding us.
I turned 30 the following Friday, October 5th, and was able to spend it with Jeff, my sisters, their husbands and some wonderful friends. It was a super fun night, and we made lots of memories! We celebrated another couple of precious friends at a wedding shower the following night, and the next two nights consisted of family pictures with each (Jeff's and my) side of the family. We really went overboard with the family pictures this year, but I know we will all be so glad we did. Now we will have quality pictures with grandparents, siblings and kiddos that we will treasure forever. We have been so blessed by the offers to do pictures of us and our family, we just couldn't pass them up! Then another wonderful friend gave us awesome tickets to see Les Miserables on opening night, so Jeff and I got an awesome mid-week date night. Then this past weekend, my parents kept Griffin so we could go to Dallas for the OU/Texas game. It was such a fun weekend, and while it was tough to leave our baby, we feel so very blessed we got to go.
Like I said, it's been a crazy full time for us. Most days it feels like it's not real, other days it feels all too real. That's why I think it has been so difficult to write any kind of post. I intended to write something the week he passed, and it was so busy and full of things to do that I barely got information about his service posted on Facebook. So many times since then, I have had thoughts or feelings that I planned to share, but for some reason, couldn't bring myself to write them down. For so long, I had fun things to do to get ready for the parties, pictures and trips, and now I don't. I know that many of the things I filled my days with were just that, me finding things to occupy myself. Seeking distractions and keeping busy has been my M.O. The last couple weeks, I've felt called to be more still, to stop filling every minute and seek the only One that can provide what I need. Tonight, Jeff and I finally sat down and read through all the wonderful notes written by those who attended Logan's service. While I had read a few at a time here and there over the last several weeks, it has felt too fresh and been too difficult for me to read through all of them until now. I can't say what was magical about today or tonight. As we were driving home from our niece's seventh birthday party, Jeff started tearing up, as we both often do at unexpected times, and we found ourselves both crying in the car about how much we missed our baby. Even now, as I type, it is so hard to say the words, "I miss him." That is what hurts so much. Everything we do, everywhere we go, every family event or car ride home, he is missing. A part of our family, a part of me is missing. And it hurts more than anything I have ever known. But, I feel like it might be time to start working a little harder on the healing process, so here we are. I know healing is probably still a long way off, but this blog served as such therapy for me during Logan's journey, I hope it might have the same effect now.
Thank you all for your relentless love and support. We have so many people still praying for comfort and peace for us, and for Griffin's complete and miraculous healing. You continue to sustain us and we feel so incredibly blessed by the body of Christ surrounding us.
Just wanted to send a hug. Thank you for sharing your words. You are thought about every single day. xo, Heather
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all and constantly praying for peace. Hugs friend
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss. I have thought about your family often since you posted last.
ReplyDeletepraying for ya'll still.
ReplyDeleteHi Karlee,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but it sounds like we have a lot in common. I lost my 10 month old son Auden to Apler's this past September. It was quick compared to most, he came down with seizures that never stopped August 18th and was removed from life support September 25. We had to deal with almost everything you mentioned, just in a shorter span of time. I've been wondering around the internet reading blogs and posts about Alper's (there aren't many) and I just wanted to let you know that you have the attitude and faith that I strive for every day. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that God hasn't picked you out to be doomed to suffer. Maybe that won't comfort you (sometimes it makes me more angry), but I find a strange comfort in hearing that I not singled out and that there is someone who understands very close to what I'm feeling (no path of grief is the same). I'll be saying a prayer for you. It's so confusing to feel how close God is during the worst days of your life while the logic placed in front of you seems to prove the opposite. But He is strangely and blatantly there isn't He? Thank you for telling your story.
Emily